


I Wanna Grow Barmy With You

by VitulaAmore



Category: Confessions of Georgia Nicolson - Louise Rennison
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Pants, Snogging, Startled By His Furry Shorts, aggers, campo fiasco, mad cats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:21:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7409212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VitulaAmore/pseuds/VitulaAmore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can Georgia resist of the call of the Horn and Dave's furry PANTS? Will her Mum ever dress like a proper mum? Will Libby ever be potty-trained? If her previous diaries were anything to go by, the answer is NO,NO AND THRICE NO.</p><p>Set during/after Startled By His Furry Shorts.</p><p>So, I have a bit of an..OCD thing where I like to make lists of things. Just anything I can think of, but mainly collecting magazines and making lists of what I find in them (names,places,products,outfits...whatever). Writing helps me -a bit- over come that so this is going to be chock-full of details,possibly OOC. So if that's not your bottle o' grog I'm tres sorry ! <3 </p><p>Pleasey please  R&R</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pleasey Please R&R  
> Anything you recognize belongs to the late,great Louise Rennison

Sunday,July 31st

On The Coach Home From Campo Fiasco

I have said it before, and I was right...the campo fiasco WAS a fiasco.

I am now officially the girlfriend of a Lurrrrve God. And therefore I have put my red bottom behind me with a firm hand.I will never again be found wandering as lonely as a clud in the Cakeshop of Lurrrrve..or picking up some other eclair or tart or fondant fancy.

Ditto Eccles cakes or Spotty Dick or...shut up brain.

 

 

2 Mintues Later

So, speaking as the offical girlfriend of a Luuurve God who has officially put my red bottom behind me with a firm hand will never be wandering around looking for extra cakes ,can someone tell me this...

How in the name of God's pant hose have I ended up snogging Dave the Laugh...also known as Dave the Tart ?

 

2 Minutes Later

Oh God, Goddy God God And let us face facts -it wasn't just a matey-type know -a -"It's alright I'm just a mate accidentally snogging another mate"-sort of snog.

It was frankly,to get to point and not beat around the whatsit,a 'phwroar' type of snogging situation.

 

 

30 Seconds Later

It was definitely number 4 and about to be Number 5.

 

4 Seconds Later  
Anyways,shut up brain,I must is not the time for a rambling trip to Ramble is the time to put my foot down with a firm hand and stop snogging my not boyfriend Dave the Laugh.

 

 

1 Minute Later

I mean I am practically married to Masimo.

 

10 Seconds Later

Well, give or take him actually asking me to marry him.

 

5 Seconds Later

And the fact he has gone off to Pizza-agogo-Land leaving me here in Merrie-but-dangerous England to fend for made to go on stupid camping trips with madmen (Miss Wilson and Herr Kamyer).

He has left me here,wandering around defenseless in the wilderness near Ramsgate,miles away from the nearest Topshop.

 

 

3 Seconds Later

And how can I help it if Dave the Laugh burrows into my tent? Because that is more or less what happened.

That is le fact.

I was snuggling down under some bit of old raincoat (or sleeping bags as Jas would say in her Oooh isn't outdoors fun sort of way) ...anyway where was I ?

Oh,yes,I was snuggling down last night after an action-packed day of newt drawing when there was a tap-tapping on the side of the tent.I thought it might have been an owl attack but it was Dave the Laugh and his Barmy Army (Tom,Declan,Sven,Edward) enticing us out into the forest with the promise of snacks and light entertainment.

 

 

4 Seconds Later

I blame Dave entirely for and I are just mates and he has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend and this is it end of it, because then he comes to the countryside looking for me and waving his horn about.

We were frolicking about in the Lads' tent and Dave and me went off for an innocent walk in the woods .You know, like old matey types then I put my foot down a badger hole or something and fell backward into the river.

Anyways,Dave was laughing like a loon for a bit but then he reached down and put his arms around me to lift me up to the riverbank and I said "I think I may have broken my bottom.".

And he was really smiling and then he said "Oh, bugger it has to be done." and he snogged me .

When he stopped I pushed him backward and looked at him. I gave him my worst look.

He said 'What?"  
I said 'You know 't just say 'what?' like that. "

"Like what?"

I said with enormous dignitosity "Look,you enticed me with your shenanigans, and,erm,puckering stuff."

He said "Erm, I think you will find that you agreed to come to my tent in the middle of the night to steal me from my girlfriend."

I said 'But it was you that snogged me."

He looked at me a bit then sighed "Yeah,I know.I don't feel very good about this.I'm not so...well, you're used to it."

My head nearly exploded "Used to WHAT?"

He looked quite angry, which felt horrible. I'd seen him angry with me before and I don't usually like what he had to say. He went on : "You started all this sounding the horn business ages ago,using me like a decoy duck then going out with Robbie,then messing about with me and then going out with then telling me that you felt mixed up."

The gist of it is...Dave is cross at me. I hate it when he is, because then he is an un-laugh...he becomes Dave the Un-Laugh and he's no fun then.

Anyways,what do I care?

I have my Luuuurve God to worry about !

 

 

Home

Home home at last !

I kicked opened the door "Get the fattened guinea pig ! Your marvy and beyond gorgey daughter is home !"

No answer.

Huh.

I wonder where everyone is.

Angus is lolling about in the entryway. I see he's found Mutti's good blouse.

Ah, well, can't be bothered to rescue it.

Besides, I LIKE having 10 fingers and toes.

 

 

2 Minutes Later

My arms are soo tired from all the running around during the Campo Fiasco.

I told Mutti all that fresh air is bad for me -I can barely lift my bags. I'll just put my stuff down and find Mutti ...maybe have Libby help me lug it all up, with promises of sweets and a new Mr Potato. Hers is getting rather mouldy.

 

 

Libby's Room

Nope no Libby even.

 

 

2 Seconds Later

Hurrah !

 

 

3 Minutes Later

No messages from the Lurve God,though.

Doesn't he miss me?

I miss him...aLOT..with PANTS on.

 

 

3 Seconds Later

No, no no not with PANTS on, er, no I mean I hope he's got pants on (sort of )...oh, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Le fact is, I miss him loads and he still hasn't rung me.  
Poo.

 

2 Minutes Later,Bed

Ahhh,,,peace and quiet.

Maybe I can take a quick zizz. I must be rested when my Luuurv God calls to tell me how gorgey I am !

 

 

35 Minutes Later

Fat beardy chance.

SLAM

"Who left their bloody rucksacks here?"

CRASH

ROWRRRW!

CRASH

*GIRLY SCREAMS*

BLOODY BOLLOCKING FURRY BASTARD*

THUMP THUMP THUMP

SLAM

Sounds like Vati has tripped over his beard...

I looked down the stairs.

Vati looked up just in time to see me 'Georgia get downstairs right now!"

Oh Bloody Hell.

 

 

56 Minutes Later

Vati tripped over my camping things and apparently landed on Angus, who did not like being smushed to smithereens, and dug his claws into Vati's arse, tee hee hee !

Vati saw me laughing and made me put my bags, campo fiasco clothes, etc away.

Damn,damn and damn.

 

 

2 Minutes Later

Still...tee hee hee.

 

 

7pm,Bed

In bed at 7pm,during Summer hols...

I think it is because of shock.

Over a loverly dinner of jammy dodgers ,Mutti started asking me all sorts of questions about Stalag 14, and Vati said 'Why so interested in Georgia? You've never really cared before."

Mutti flushed "Don't be stupid, I love my dear daughters. I remember every minute of their lives."

Vati said "Geez Connie calm down."

"But I have good news!"

I said "OH GOD you're not preggers are you?"

Vati went white.I thought he was going to faint, but then Mutti said "No, not that sort of good news, but it is a different sort of good news...I got a new job!"

I said as cheerily as I could "Great, can I have five pounds?"

Mum tutted "I know you aren't excited as I am" (you can say THAT again..) but we will see each other every day."

"We already do,unfortunately."

She ignored that "Now we will see each other even more! I'll be your school nurse!"

OH DEAR GOD.

Then Vati said something even worser-er

'I have big news, too!"

I said 'You're pregnant then?"  
which I thought was tres hilarious but Vati didn't.

He shouted at me 'If you don't have anything sensible to say,SHUT UP."

Then he said to Mutti "Well, you remember that Chapman fellow I was talking to, about the Water Board expanding out?"

Mum said "Oh yes, did he introduce your ideas?"  
"Even better, he is putting them into effect, and what's more, I've been made Head of Planning!"

Mutti jumped up and gave him a hug.

Her nunga-nungas nearly poked his eye out. Erlack.

i just sat there.

"And what does that mean to me?"

Vati said " It means I'll be away for a while from you guys. I'll miss you loads, but it'll be twice the money in the end."

Vati looked at me 'Don't even say it"

I pretended I didn't know what he meant.

Mum said "Are you off to New Zealand then?"

"No,Ethiopia! It's a new program, called Project: Water! Our goal is to get everyone in Ethiopia fresh,drinkable water !"

I thought "Give them your arse and they'll eat for 10 years" but I didn't cuz Mutti had a knife in her hand.

Mutti said "So you're leaving us again?"

"Only for a few months. But think of it I'll be making twice as much."

Mutt said "You are so selfish."

Vati said "Selfish? I'll be working my arse off."

"Yeah and what about me? I'll be stuck in the house with a moody teenager, and Libby"

i said "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Mutti gave me a LOOK.

If you have a mutti, you know the type of look I mean.

Then she turned on Vati "And what am I going to be doing then while you're off doing..." she waved the knife in her hand "whatever?"

"Throwing yourself around a room to music like you usually do I bet."

"You mean my ZUMBA lessons?"

Vati shrugged and took a bite of jammy dodger "Dancing, throwing yourself at strange men, same difference."

Mutti turned red "And what is THAT supposed to mean?"

I decided that was the best time to leave the room before I got stabbed.

And now here I am,if you see what i mean.

 

 

29 Minutes Later

The door slammed. I looked out my window and saw Vati get into the Clown Car and zoom off down the street at 1kph (which Grandad could easily outwalk).

My life is literally in shambles.

I have snoggus-interuptus then my Lurrve God boyfriend who is italian and a luuurve god never calls, and now I may be an orphan.

Bloody Hell, and this is only my first day of Summer hols.

What else can go wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

//Last time :

29 Minutes Later

The door slammed. I looked out my window and saw Vati get into the Clown Car and zoom off down the street at 1kph (which Grandad could easily outwalk).

My life is literally in shambles.

I have snoggus-interupts then my Lurrve God boyfriend who is italian and a luuurve god never calls, and now I may be an orphan.

Bloody Hell, and this is only my first day of Summer hols.

What else can go wrong? //

 

Sunday,August 1st

9:30am

Woke up happy until I remembered yesterday...and Campo Fiasco.

I am never getting out of bed again.

 

13 Minutes Later

Gingey...Ginger!"

Oh great my mad little sister has decided to join me, along with Pantalitzer, Our Lord Sandra, Mr Potato and something cold and slimy.

I shot out of bed 'What is that?" I don't dare look under the covers.

Mum called up "Libby where's your jelly rabbit gone?"

Oh dear God.

 

8 Minutes Later

Washing my duvet. Well, lugging it down to be washed, at least.

Mutti was humming in the kitchen buttering toast.

"Erm, where's Vati?"

She just kept humming.

Did she finally snap and kill him and make him to Mulligan stew..or Nicolson Stew,rather ?

Like the bunny boiler in that one movie...

Oh dear God where's Angus ?

'Erm...we're not having stew for dinner by any chance, are we?"

She just kept humming and I was honestly starting to worry but then Vati came around the corner. He squeezed Mum's bottom and sat at the table.

She turned red and and set the toast in front of him. "Down big boy."

I said as loudly as I could 'Erlack."

Mutti turned round "Oh, didn't see you there."

Huh.

And last night she loved me and remembered ever minute of my life, etc etc.

Vati said to me "So what are you up to today? Something that will cost me money I suppose"

Mutti said 'Remember, you were her age once."

I mumbled under my breath "Yeah 2 million years ago" but Mutti heard me and started laughing.

Vati got all shirty and flustered but Mutti only said '"Oh stop it was funny."

"Well, you're going to miss me when I'm gone"

"When is that agasin?"

Vati shot me a look

'Erm, when are you leaving, I mean? Because I'll miss you so much and ...erm..."

Good Lord I sound like I swallowed Ellen.

"I leave the 9th. I'll be over in Africa for a month, then I have to come back to tell all the stuffed shirts how well I am doing blah blah blah then I'm back over for a 6-month period."

Bloody Hell, 7 months with out the Beardy One grouching about money and me hanging on the phone all them?

Not that I do,because my BOYFRIEND who is Itaian and a Lurrrve God still hasn't called me.

All of a sudden I don't feel hungry anymore.

 

12 Seconds Later

I was halfway up when Mutti called "Oh yeah,Georgia, some boy called for you last night ."

I froze on the stairs.

"He called really late but I thought you were asleep already so I told him you'd call him back today. He had a really gorgeous accent. Is he your new boyfriend? I bet he snogs like a maniac."

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

 

My Boudior of Lurrrrve

Dithering about my room like a maniac. I have got to wear the perfect Sex Kitty outfit that oozes glamour and je ne se whatsit but without so much as saying "Look at me ! I'm a tart!" for when I call him.

And I can't bloody well call him when Mutti and Vati get home.

They might listen in.

And usually Masimo wants to do pretend snogging down the phone. I honestly feel like a bit of a prat doing it anyways, so I am especially not doing it in front of my Olds.

 

4 Minutes Later

I can't believe he called !

My Itallian Stallion boyfriend called !

And he talked to Mutti !

Oh,Baby Jesus pleasey please don't let her have used the word 'canoodling' when she talked to him last night...

Ditto snog !

OK must calm down...deep breaths..Ohmmmm...Ohmmm...

 

23 Minutes Later

This isn't working. I am still on the edge of a dither spaz and slowly working up the Losing It scale to a full blown-on Spazarama attack.

I feel like a bouncy ball all full of energy...or Brenda, the prisoner of whatsit in her own home.

Or like a squirrel that's had too many nuts and is about to implode, or...oh, you know what I mean !

I need to get out of the house before I go starkers.

 

20 Minutes Later  
Sitting on the wall in my shortest skirt. Much better.  
Now, what should I wear, as an offical girlfriend of a Luuurve God?  
Skirt or jeans?  
It's a bit hot out so skirt would be nice, but then again I'm a bit hairy on the legs front.  
Hmmmm...  
Ohhh no,I am not going down that road again.  
Jeans.  
And that is it.

 

2 Minutes Later

No, skirt, it's quite hot out.

 

5 Minutes Later

But what if I bump into the Ace Gang and we go for cappus? It's always cold in Costa's.And Italians like them. They're contintel that way.  
So jeans then.

 

24 Minutes Later

Decided on skirt, because a) it's hot out and 2) I caught sight of my legs in the loo and they look like they've been rolled in powdered sugar, they are so white.

My legs,I mean,not the loo.

At any rate,I put on my short denim skirt and white cami top, with a white head band and my hair in a little ponytail,and black strappy wedge sandals.

Tres sportif.

 

2 Seconds Later

Sunglasses?

Yes, I think so.

 

 

Main Street

Cor, boiling out.

And bright.

Good thing I thought to wear my sunglasses.

 

4 Minutes Later

Now what?

I don't see anyone one in town.

Maybe they are all tuckered out from Campo Fiasco, like I am.

 

 

10 Minutes Later

Went to Jas' but she was out.

 

58 Minutes Later

Ditto Jools and Rosie.

In a fit of desperationosity I even went round to Ellen's but she was out,too.

 

 

4 Minutes Later

Where can they be? I am in a time of need...so why aren't they at home being good mates, there for me when I need them the mostest ?

Some mates they are.

 

14 Minutes Later

Have they gone out for a group snog with their boyfriends, and didn't tell me because my pop-tastic GORGEY Italian boyfriend is abroad?

 

1 Minute Later

Maybe they felt sorry for me, poor Georgia, finally got a snogtastic boyfriend and he's gone and left her for Pizza-agogo Land where all the girls eat pizza without choking and look like models and don't have mad parents or barmy mates?

 

2 Minutes Later

I'm really depressed now.

I might as well go back home.

 

 

Home

When I got in everyone was out but at least they left a note this time:

"Gone for supplies for your Dad's trip then to visit your Grandad,so you'll have to make your own tea.  
Angus chewed up your duvet so you're going to have to borrow one from Liberty's room.  
xx,  
Mum"

Lovely.

Even my family has gone and left me.

 

2 Minutes Later  
But hey -hey ...now I can ring my Italian boyfriend...who,did I happen to mention, is a Luuurve God?

 

My Room 

Now, what do I wear?

Jeans or skirt?

 

3 Minutes Later  
Ohhhh, no, I am NOT going through that again...skirt.

 

18 Minutes Later,In My Closet

I can't find a bloody thing to go with my pink frilly skirt and Mutti and Vati will be back in only...like 5 hours !

 

 

2 Minutes Later

I may have to switch to jeans after all.

 

45 Minutes Later  
Ok, went for skinny jeans, white strappy top, black boots, and my wide black belt.  
Are boy entrancers OK or is that going to far?

 

3 Minutes Later  
Last time I wore them I had a tres embarrassing incident involving Rolf Harris and dancing...mainly to dancing to Rolf Harris.

In front of the (original) Sex God.

So I think not.

 

Downstairs

My hands are shaking I am sooooo nervy.

What if he can't understand me and thinks I want to break up?

What if I can't understand him?

 

2 Seconds Later

What if I go into a mad laughing fit and I can't stop?

Like when we were trying to understand the molecular structure of atoms and how they vibrate. Herr Kamyer was just illustrating his point with the aid of a tea towel and some billiard balls on his desk when I thought of a good joke. I asked , "Sir what part does the tea towel play in the molecualr structure?" And he said...he said : "Ach no ,I use it to keep my balls still."

 

2 Minutes Later

Or during Peter Pan practise Wet Lindsay crashed over into the sanitary pad dispenser.

 

3 Minutes Later

The Hills are alive with the sound of pants,ahahaha

See, right now I am sitting here all alone laughing and no one else is around.

This is the second time in 2 days I think I am very well slipping off into the Twilight Land of the Mad.

Next thing you know I will be donning a codpiece and become a Baldy-O-Gram.

 

 

3 Seconds Later

Ermmm...maybe not the last bit...

At any rate, time is wasting and no man is an island and well, Mutti and Vati will be home soon.

 

Hallway  
I'm glad I passed on the Boy Entrancer's. Gordy was lurking at the top of the stairs and if I'd not seen him in time Id've fallen arse-over-nung-nunga down the stair.

Ok, this is it, I'm calling Masimo.

Deep, big breaths (LEAVE IT)...

 

12 Seconds Later

Ring ring, ring ring.

Funny ring they've got, like it's a foreign country or something.

"Ciao?"

I slammed down the phone. Oh my God I just hung up on Masimo.

Now what ?

And I didn't even dial 4-1-1- .

Merde and poo.

I need a soothing snack.

 

Kitchen

Making myself a jammy dodgy and milky pops when the phone rang.As I picked up the receiver Angus darted out from hiding and savaged my ankle .

'Bloody bollocking furry menace!"

"Er, ciao, is Georgia there, pliss?"

OHMYGOD IT'S MASIMO

Is my makeup ok?

Did quick-check in the hallway mirror.

I look okay given Angus is still attached to my ankle like a furry leech. Dragged him back to the phone.

"Hello, yes, this is her."

Why do I sound so formal?

Stopbeingformal !

"Ciao ! It is I!"

"Yes, and this is me.I mean-"

He laughed "I love when you talk. I miss are you having the missing me?"

"Is the pope a vicar?"

"Ermm...no."

And I started laughing only it was not normal laughing, it was mad heggy-heggy-ho Libby laughing.

And I couldn't stop.

OHMYGOD OR BUDDHA or whatever pleaseeeeyplease don't let me mess this up !

Or at least please let Masimo have dropped the phone or something.

Finally I got a grip on myself ...I wish Masimo had a grip on me...phwoar. Oh dear God what was I saying? GET A GRIP,GEORGIA NICHOLSON.

Masimo chuckled "I see you have the missing me too."

Oh dear God did I say that outloud? I racked my brain for something normal to say "Did you have fun camping?"

"Yes well, Herr Kamyer saw Miss Wilson in the nuddy pants and I fell in a river."

Masimo said "You are fun girl. Do you want to have fun when I am back?"

Oooooooooh !You can say that again Mister!

I didn't say that,though. I was flipping through my head of something semi-intelligent to say when in the Saint Nick of time Mutti,Vati and Libby came through the front door.

I said into the phone 'Yes, well, that would be fabby with knobs on. Shall I come round then?"

"Che...ok, I be back the 12th, and we have fun then, yes?"

Mutti was looking at me .  
GOawaystoplooking !

I did fake laughy "Yes, fab,s'laters"

And put the phone down.

Mutti said "Who was that?"

I said 'Wrong number" and ran to my room before she could say anything else.

She is so suspicious!

 

 

My Room

I can't believe I actually said "s'laters" to Masimo. He must really think I am a twit of the first waters for sure, now.

Merdeeeeeeeeeeeeee !

 

Midnight, Tucked up in Bed With a Pickle in My Old Training Bra like a hammock 

On the bright side, he'll be back long after Vati's left so I'll only have Mutti do deal with.

 

1 Minute Later

I still can't believe I said "S'laters" to Masimo.

 

45 Minutes Later

I can't believe I did something so weedy.

 

 

2 Minutes

"s'laters"

Oh,Goddddddddddd !

 

 

Monday,August 2nd

Bed,10pm

Had an especially special meeting of the Ace Gang at the park.

I wanted to meet at Costa's but the Barmy Army was holding footie practise at the park.

I said to them "What about all for one, and one for all and one for each of us and so on?" but they were too busy tarting up to pay me any mind.

I even went out without any makeup on,that is how upset I was.

 

 

3 Minutes Later

Ok, I did put on a bit on concealer,bronzer,eyeliner,mascara and lippy but only for the principle of if it -I didn't really put my whole heart into it.

I said 'Ok, now, for official Ace Gang business."

Rosie said "Aren't we going to say the Ace Gang motto?"  
"Ok, yes, fine, all for one and one for all and one for each us,pip , back to the facts du jour-"

"What about the Ace Gang huddly duddly?" Rosie asked.

Ellen said "I quite like it actually."

Oh dear Buddha we're going be here all night.

 

19 LONG Minutes Later

As everyone sat back down I said 'OK is everyone quite done?"

They all did mad nodding.

"Ok,down to offical Ace Gang ace business..I talked to Masimo last night. Actually, he rang me the night we got back from the Camping Fiasco but Mutti was too selfish to give me the message untill yesterday."

Jools said 'Oooh what did he say?"

'Not much only that he misses me loads and when he gets back he wants to have fun."

They all went "OOhhh!"

Rosie said "You know what that means, right?"

"That what means?"

I turned the Laugh was walking up. His hair was damp and sort of curly on the ends.

Hm... it doesn't look too bad.

"Nothing and it's none of your business."

Ellen got red and jumped up and ran too the loos like she had a pooey emergency.

Huh.

But back to the matter at foot.

Dave smiled at me "It's bound to be something rudey-dudey then."

I felt my self go beet root.

"Did you -erm, want something ?"  
Jas said "Yes, do you WANT something Dave?" pointedly looking at me.

I am sooo going to KILL her.She obviously knows something is up.I want to know, how does she know and what does she know ? 

Dave said to me "Yes,actually, I actually wanted to talk to Georgia,if that's ok with you I mean" .

OH MY GOD.

"Erm, yes, well ,why can't you just tell me now?" I stared him down without even blinking.I am NOT going off with him.

Everytime I do he starts this "What if you were meant for someone.." business then I fall over and we end up snogging.

Well, no more I say!  
Dave flushed ."Erm,well, actually..."

Jas said "Yeah Dave what can you say to Georgia that you can't say to us?"

Dave hesitated, and looked like he was going to say something but instead muttered "Never mind. S'laters." and walked back to the footie pitch.

Huh. That was weird.

Rosie said "That was weird."

"You can say that again."

"That was weird."

I threw a clod of dirt at her.

Jas said "So what DID you two get up to anyways?"

I tried to play stupid (LEAVE it).

"Get up to? What -I mean-"

Jas said "I only meant where did you guys dissapear to the other night...why are acting so strange? And guilty?"

"Guilty? Me? Honestly Jas ,you are SO stupid. Nothing happened. We went for a walk and I fell in the river that is it."

"How did you fall in the river if you were just walking?"

"I erm, we were playing tig and I fell in the river."

Rosie put her face reallllly close to mine 'You were playing tig...and you fell in the river?"  
"Yes yes and thrice yes, what is this the bloody Spanish Inquistion?"  
Rosie said 'I will have to think about this"

I don't like that look in her eye...

 

4 Minutes Later

I was right.

She fished round in her rucky and pulled out a stripey beard, and a pipe. It was the return of Inspector Twit of the Yard.  
Oh no.

 

20 Minutes Later

She is being unbearable, asking me all these questions and sucking on her pipe.

"So...you were playing tig and you FELL in the river."

"Yes for the zillionth time."

"Hmmmm...and you expect us to believe that?"

"Yes"

"You are it has to be said, dimmer than you look."

Just in the nick of time Ellen came back all tarted up with her skirt rolled over.

She is sooooo sad, trailing after Dave like that.

Jas saw me looking "Don't you have something to TELL Ellen?"

I said "Oh yeah"

Jas looked gob struck, ha ha ha.

"So,Ellen, snogging updates?"

"Well, Rollo's mate and I went for a walk, and she he showed me things."

Rosie sucked on her pipe and winked "Yes, yes."

Ellen turned red "No,I mean his pocket knife. He gave me his number,and told me to bell him, but he only gave me a kiss on the cheek when he walked me back to my tent.

We all agreed she should play it cool, and wait 4 days, and if he doesn't ring her, she should sort of accidentally-on-purpose run into him.  
"Oh, yeah he plays Snooker at Curbs every weekend. Maybe I could accidentally run into him there?"

We planned to meet up at Churchill Square and hang out there acting all cool and casual, coincedentally when Ed'll be coming home from snooker.

Easy-peasy.

Finally Jas remembered I was there.

"Oh, Georgia! What did you call this meeting for anyways? Something new to have a LAUGH about?"

She definetly knows. There is only one thing left to do...I have to EAT her.

I said with as much casualnosity as I could "I rang Masimo and he wants to go 'have fun' with me when he comes back."

Rosie said "Oooooh,Miss!"

"What am I going to do? What do you think he wants to do? I am literally having a nervy b."

 

 

3 Hours Later, In My Buduoir of Lurrrve and Possibly Type-6 Snogging

Talked it over with the Ace Gang and we agreed that 'having fun' means going out clubbing or to the cinema probably and next time I talk to him I should suggest one of those things to make sure we are talking about the same thing.

I didn't get it at first,I said "Why would we need to do that?"

Jools said 'Well he IS a bit older than you..."

I said 'Yes well, so is Da-"

I nearly said Dave the Laugh.

Bloody Hell, why did I (almost) say that ?

Jas was looking at me rather close.

Oh,Hell, I am never going to hear the end of it.

I said "Well,erm, look at and Vati,I mean. He is a bit older than Mutti and look at them."

I thought for a bit. Last time they went out on a date Mum came back wth her shirt on backwards. "Erm,maybe not. Look, what's your nub and gist?"

Rosie said it's like 'Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus' ,with the glacinosity and the three prongs and so on."

"You mean I need to exude maturosity but at the same time glacosity and grab life by the horn and so on, and ask him what he means next time he rings?" and they all did that mad nodding thing.

Right, that shouldn't be too hard.

 

3 Minutes Later

Too bad I get Stupid Brain whenever I talk to him.

 

1 Minute Later

Or was that with Robbie?

OH I DON'T KNOW

 

 

Friday,August 6th  
My Room  
Today Vati got a map and showed us where he's going. He says that they say "Tenaystilign"for hello, and that Ethiopia is the place where the first human comes from.

I said to Mutti "So it's a family reunion then." and she gave me a Look.I don't think Vati heard though. He kept rambling on.

''There's loads of wildlife there, like lions and hyenas and antelopes and so on. I will take a ton of pictures. "

"If a lion doesn't eat you first."

Vati said "Oh they are no problem as long as you keep your wits about you."

That is when Angus decided to drop on his head from the top of the curtains.

 

Bed

Locked in my room with Angus. Vati is threatening to turn him into a pair of furry slippers.I'd like to see him try.

No phone call from Masimo yet. Maybe he thinks I am going to call him, maybe it's an Italiano tradition to alternate who calls?

 

10pm  
Something odd did happen,though.

I was doing my nightly moisturizing, toning, etc and happened to look out my window in time to see Dave the Laugh stop by my gate.

By by the time I'd rinsed my mask off and gone downstairs, he'd gone.

Huh.

Probably on his way to see his sad girlfriend, Emma, who does her homework.

And bakes.

 

 

11pm,Still in Bed

Was drifting off to Bobo Land ...no easy task with Angus purring like a tank on your head...when Mutti called up "Georgia, are you awake still? Boyfriend!"

Dashed downstairs, pausing only to do fluffy hair and a quick daash of lippy, mascara and blonzer.

I said as cool as I could into the phone

"Ciao."

"Oh,er,Ciao, Georgia." It was Robbie.

"Hi Robbie, what's up?"

"Where you in bed already?"

"No you're fine (you can say that again,mate).What's up?"

"Ok well I can't chat long I was just wondering...do you maybe want to meet up Saturday,for coffes? Nothing to spaz over, just as mates."

"Sure, that sounds OK. 5 o'clock?"

"Yeah ok, well, see you."

'Bye'

"Bye'

And he rang off.

See, I can do glaciosity and maturosity with ex-snoggees.

Simple-pimple.

 

 

3 Minutes Later

Now if only I can do it with my actual snogtastic boyfriend.

 

 

12 Minutes Later

I wonder what Robbie wants to talk about?  
Now I'm never going to sleepzzzzzzzzzzz .....


	3. Chapter 3

/////Last Time::::::

See, I can do glaciosity and maturosity with ex-snoggees.

Simple-pimple.

(3 Minutes Later)

Now if only I can do it with my actual snogtastic boyfriend.

(12 Minutes Later)

I wonder what Robbie wants to talk about? ///

 

 

Saturday,August 7th  
10am

The day is dragging by FOREVER.  
Up early to cleanse, tone, etc.Mutti and has taken Libbs to visit Joshy,and Vati off flooding homes or whatever it is he does, and have barricaded Angus in the laundry room so my bedroom is now a poo-free zone.

Now, what in the name of Buddha's commodous panties am I going to wear?

 

10 Minutes Later

Rang Jas

Her Mum answered "Jas is upstairs love, I'll get her."

It must be nice to have a mum who is normal. Mutti came in last night with her top on backwards and inside-out. What kind of role model is that?

After about 554747 years Jas finally picked up. "Hello?"

"About time, my eyebrows have grown to the floor."

Jas sighed "What did you want Georgia?"

'I am having a major nervy b. I'm going to for coffeee with Robbie in mere hours and I don't like ANYTHING I own."

Jas said 'Wait, since when are you going out with Robbie? And what about Masimo?"

"Since last night, and it's not really going out-going out, it's just coffee betwene two mates."

"I'll be right there." and she rung off.

 

 

1 Hour Later

The girls came round for moral support.

Speaking of support, I put on a fresh bra this morning and one of the straps broke. If my nunga-nungas get any bigger I am going to have to have two manservants named Miguel and Jose lug them around on silver trays for me.

At anyrate,the Ace Gang came round with snacksies and words of advice.

And RoRo brought her black boots (the only ones she had without fur attached) for me to borrow because she is a tip-top mate and not selfish with her things like Radio Jas.

Jools said "So what is your point?"

"Oooer miss."

'No I mean, what do you hope to happen from going for coffee with Robbie?"

Inwardly I thought "For him to tell me he luurves me and always have lurved my great gorgeousnosity and in front of Wet Lindsay."

But I didn't say that,I said "Because we are ex-snoggees and mates and in the spirit of diplomatic whatsit, there is nothing wrong with going for coffee with an ex-snoggee and Sex God."

Jas just looked at me.

I said "But I don't know if I should.I mean,I've finally got the Lurrve God and I wouldn't like him going out with other ex-snogees"

Rosie said "Yes, well I think you should go."

I looked at her. We all did.

"What?"

"Well, yes, see, he strung you around a bit and had to choose between you and Wet Lindsay which is really unfair for the Weedy One. And then when you are finally official, what does he do?"

I didn't know what to say,

'Levitate? Erm, play in a mariachi band? What? What?"

Ellen dithered into life "He-like...erm...Pizza-agogo-Land?"

Rosie hugged her tightly. Her hair went all akimbo "Yes,exactamundo my hairy little pallie!"

"Ohhh I get it. You mean because he abandoned me I should go out have fun and thrust my whatsit with gay abandon"

Rosie said "Oooer."

I threw my pillow at her. "And thrust my whatsit-inner luurve for life, and so on?"

Jas said "When Tom'd gone off to footie camp I did something everyday, to make the days go by faster and I didn't miss him as much."

"Jas ,he was only gone for a week."

"Yes, well it was the fatsest week,too."

I said "But back to the matter at hand, the facts are, he has left me all aloney on my owny in Merry England while he goes to bonfires and eats pizza with supermodels (probably).So I should go out and enjoy myself?"

Jools said "But not too much."

I crossed my eyes at her .

Jas said "Yes, you shouldn't have too much of a LAUGH if you know what I mean and I think you do."

I put my face realllly really close to Jas "No Jas I don't know what you mean. What do you mean?"

Jas went a bit red round the ears and stood up 'I better go, I'm meeting Tom for a ramble."

The rest left a bit after that but gave me words of encouragement before they left :

'Keep you chin up and your head level."

"Don't eat anything bigger than your head."

"Don't...like..you know."

and "Hornnnnnnnnnnnn!"

I am still in utter shambles mood-wise.

Should I go or not?

 

23 Minutes Later

And what should I say to him ?

 

6 Minutes Later

What is he going to say to me?

 

10 Seconds Later  
What if he says that he loves Wet Lindsay and he is going to marry her and have Weed-Babies?

Oh God, I think I am having a heart attack.

I am not going that is it.

 

32 Minutes Later

No I have to go or I won't know what he wants.

 

25 Minutes Later  
What if I go and he's there with Wet Lindsay? If he snogs her in front of me it will be too much to bear.

And besides, ripping her head off will ruin the calmly mateyness of it all.

I'm not going.

 

6pm, Costa's

Got here early before Robbie.

If he comes in with Lindsay I will just do sneaky-sneaky out.

I have to have strength and hold my head up high and my nungga-nungas proudly thrust out.

 

14 Seconds Later

Erm, maybe not the last bit;I don't want to put someone's eye out.

 

Loo

Had to go to the piddly-diddly department again, the 6th time in like 10 minutes.

Good thing I'd decided on my shortest denim skirt,with my blue flow-y top nd Rosie's boots...easy access (LEAVE it).

 

7 Minutes Later

Adjusted my lippy and did mad hair jujuing and walked out just as Robbie walked in in all black.

Cor, and PHWOAR.

 

2 Seconds Later  
Ducked down behind a sign to watch him.

He was by himself.

YEsssssssssssssssssssss.

He looked round,looking a bit put out.

Was he dissaapointed I wasn't there yet?

Or was he expecting Lindsay,too?

Oh,poo.

He sat at a table, with his back to me.

All of a sudden I got tummy-wobbles.

What would Masimo think if he saw me sneaking around, having coffee with other blokes?

Sure, they are just mates , but also they are ex-snoggees. I wouldn't like it if Masimo did that.

Maybe I should just leave...

 

13 Seconds Later

Turned round right into a waiter with a tray of cakes.

Most of which landed on my head.

Bloody feck and poo.

Maybe Robbie didn't see and...I heard someone come up and looked.

Black tennies stopped right in front of me and a Sex Goddy voice said 'Georgia? Alright?"

Oh my Godddddd, not jelloid knees now.

I looked up at him and smiled best I could, remembering to suck in my nose at the same time.

"Yes, just,having a snack. Would you like a tart?"

Robbie laughed "What am I going to do with you?"

Oooer.

He helped me up. Our faces were about 2 centimetres apart. Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Cor, his eyes have got blue flecks in them...

Brain to lips, brain to lips DO NOT PUCKER.

Robbie cleared his throat 'Would you like to go get changed, then maybe we can talk?"

I looked at him still a bit lost in Stupid-Brain Land "Change into what?"

And he laughed.

 

27 Minutes Later  
Robbie walked me home so I could wash the cake and tarts out.

He didn't say much on the way there.

We just talked about school and so on.

Our arms kept bumping and it was like electricity.

I was glad when I finally got to my gate.

He said 'I'll just wait here for you."

He must be afraid of Mutti and Vati.

I don't blame him.

 

 

2 Minutes Later,My Room

When I got in ,Mutti and Vati were on the couch watching some movie with some guy in tights poncing about on the screen,saying things like "Forsooth! " and 'Lack a day!".

Mutti looked at me "Do I even want to know?"

"No." and went up to my room.

 

My Room

Dithering about like a loon.

Only have a few minutes to change..when I came up here Libby was sitting in my closet singing. "Little miss Muppet sat on her gussest eating her curds and whey..."

I said "Libs what are you doing?"

She said muffled "Noffink Gingeyyyy"

Went I looked she'd gotten a pair of my old knickers on Gordy.

Eventually I got Mum to take her out of my room.

 

2 Minutes Later

I've only got a bit of cake on my top, but my skirt and boots and so on are OK.

Must do quick change, fix my hair and then mad rush downstairs and back out on my fabby non-date with the Sex God...erm, I mean Robbie.

 

2 Minutes Later

Just had a thought, this is a bit ironic...I am burnt in the Cakeshop of Luuurve, covered with tarts and Italian Eclairs and Sex Goddy...erm,well, you know what I mean.

Only now I am literally covered in cakes and trust me, it is not as nice as it sounds.

 

22 Minutes Later  
Showered and changed in record time.

Was halfway to the door before I finally noticed a note on my pillow.

What is this?

Probably a list of things Angus has destroyed.

 

2 Seconds Later

If it was, it'd be at least 10 times longer.

 

1 Minute Later

Read it over twice and it still says the same thing...

Here's what the note says:

"Georgia, don't worry about the other night.It was just a mistake,between 2 mates.I know we can be both be grownup and mature about this.If we don't you know we'll just end up hurting each other anyways.See you around,  
Dave"

Not even a xoxo.

Huh.

That was really grown-up of him.

He must be really over it, then.

 

3 Minutes Later

I mean,I am too, it was just an innocent kiss betwene two mates...I'm sure it happens all the time.

Nothing to spaz over.

 

4 Minutes Later

So why does it keep happening?

 

2 Minutes Later

Was dwelling that over in my brainbox (i.e. my head) when Vati tapped on my door.  
"There is a strange boy in black in the front garden. Do you know anything about this?"

I leaped up like a sardine.

OH MY GOD. I forgot about Robbie !

I said "I'll get rid of him."

and practically flew down the stairs.

I stopped for a couple calming breaths before opening the door and going out. "Hiiii sorry apparently fruit filling is harder to get out of hair than I thought."

He laughed "It's ok. I'm almost used to expecting these sort of things happening whenever we're together."

He looked at me sideways 'Er,well ,you know what I mean. Want to go to the park,like we used to?"  
I couldn't help remembering lying down in his lap as he sang to me.I will not be doing that again.

"Sure."

 

12 Minutes Later, The Park  
Laying across Robbie's lap. How and why did I get here?All I did was say "Remember the song you sang me here?"

"Oh yeah,I think I can remember it" he had me lay down (LEAVE it)

This must look tres attractive, bobbling around like this.

 

2 Minutes Later

Someone called out 'Alright Robbie?' and he stopped. Thank God, I was starting to get a headache.

I sat up and did a couple quick hair flips.

I wasn't really paying attention to who Robbie was talking to untill he said 'Kitt-erm,Georgia, your looks quite...unsual today."

OH dear God what is Dave doing here?

"Oh dear God what is Dave doing here?"  
Robbie loooked at me funny but Dave laughed "Always the charmer Georgia.I was just asking Robbie if he wanted to play a quick game with us?Unless you're otherwise engaged?"  
Robbie went a bit pink and said "How about later? We were just going back."

Dave shrugged "Fine. You're jealous of my ball skills.Way-HEY"

and he and Robbie laughed and did that hand slapping thing.

i will never understand boys.

Robbie and I talked on the way back to my house, but we only really talked about the band and so on.

I was thinking 'So it was just a matey-mate type of coffee then. That's good, because I have a Luuuurve God and a bird in my hands is not as good as a Luuuurve God in my bush (Oo-er!)'.

At my gate he sort of just sort of awkardly stood there.

To break the awkwardosity I said "So,let's do this again?"

Robbie said "Maybe with out the cakes?" and smiled.

Phwoar, his whole face lights up when he smiles.

"Yeah or Dave the tart."

Ooops did I say that?

WHY did I say that?  
Robbie raised an eyebrow "Dave the tart?"

'It's like an expression...it doesn't mean anything, like Blimey O'Reilly's trousers...or parents."

Robbe looked like he didn't believe me but he said 'Ah. Ok well ,I'm off. Ring me sometime?"

"Ok er, bye Robbie."

"Bye."

And that was it, no hug, nothing.

I could feel tears welling up but I just smiled and waved at him as he walked down the street.

it's like that old song, 'Smile, while your heart is breaking..."

And I don't even know why it is..he is an ex-snoggee and literally yesterday's news.

 

45 Seconds Later

So why do I feel so crap?

 

8pm

Oh,bloody Hell, I forgot about Vati's Leaving Do.

First thing I saw when I walked in was Uncle Eddie .He had one leg up on a chair and was saying to Grandfarty and Vati "I have to literally beat the girls off with a stick. It's the Nicolson charm."

Grandvati said "Maybe I can come to your gig, show the ladies how to really party."

Oh dear God I think I just vommed in my mouth.

Uncle Eddie saw me looking "Georgia, how's it hanging?"

"One,erlack and two, Vati is only leaving for a month, you didn't have to come."

Mutti said "That's not neccasary."

I looked at her 'Neither is Uncle Eddie."

Grandvati laughed and said "She's got alot of spunk in her. I remember when I was her age, I was just like that. Only it was a different type of spunk." and he winked.

OH MY GOD that is soooooooo disgusting.

i covered my ears "Erlack that is disgusting! I am going to need deep therapy now to get that image out of head."

They all just laughed at me.

I said 'You won't be laughing when you get my therapists' bill' and ran up to my room.

 

Bed

Doing deep yoga thinking, i.e. sitting in my bed eating choccies and listening to my Meditation For Beginners tape.

Really, it's all quiet for a few minutes then there's the sound of the wind and some flutes, then it's quiet again. It's not nearly as annoying as my other meditation tape, all it was was dolphins squeaking over and over...tres annoying.

But what was I saying before I so rudely interupted myself?

Oh,yeah, doing deep thinking.

So.

I have a Luuurve God boyfriend who is in Pizza-agogo- Land so I go on a date that's not really a date with an ex-snoggee who wants to just be mates. And Dave may or may not be my mate anymore, who I used to snog but anymore.

I mean, I know I shouldn't be grateful and all, having my health and a house to live in and food (sometimes) and a Luuuurve God to adore my great genroristy and beautosity, but ...why did I feel so torn up after Robbie left?


	4. Chapter 4

/////Last Time::::::

So,I have a Luuurve God boyfriend who is in Pizza-agogo- Land so I go on a date that's not really a date with an ex-snoggee who wants to just be mates. And Dave may or may not be my mate anymore, who I used to snog but anymore.

I mean, I know I shouldn't be grateful and all, having my health and a house to live in and food (sometimes) and a Luuuurve God to adore my great genroristy and beautosity, but ...why did I feel so torn up after Robbie left?///////////

 

Sunday, August 8th  
10am

Woke by the phone ringing.

Forced to drag myself out of my bed to go get it because my Olds selfishly stayed til past midnight farting and drinking vats of wine.

I know this because Grandad crashed into my room round 2am.

 

10 Seconds Later, Kitchen

I can hear the drunks snoring in bed and I'm all the way downstairs...with the door shut.

Bloody good parenting that is.

I picked up the phone "Hello what do you want?"

"Cia,this is Masimo?"

OhmyGodit'sMasimo.

I said to myself 'Pleasey please brain don't say anything stupid...

But of course it went right on without me. "I bloody well hope not, it'd make going to the piddly piddly department in a skirt vair difficult." and I laughed, only it was mad heggy-heggy-ho Libby laughing.

Oh dear GOD.

"Is this...a bad timing?"

"No this is a fabby time. I'm just sitting round."

"Good, you have the missing me?"

"Oh loads."

"Then for why not you call?"

"Well I didn't know if it was my turn to call you, or should you call me, and if it is I don't want to seem to keen, which is bad and weedy,and if it is my turn and I don't call I don't want to appear like I don't fancy you, because I do, a LOT, and erm..."

Masimo said "You are the good girlfriend."

Ohhhhhh he called me his good girlfriend! I am a an Italiam Lurrrve God's good girlfriend !

Attention to brain: do NOT under any circumstances ask about the posibility about having a bad girlfriend !

I was going over this in my brain box and just barely missed from hearing Masimo saying "...and I am come back on the 10th."

OH MY GIDDY GOD that's only 2 days from now !

"Do you want, when I come for you, to go for a date ? "

"Is the pope a vicar?"

"Erm, no."

Oh dear God.

But then he said really low, in his Sex Goddy (hang on, no that's Robbie, why is he in this conversation? Back with thee, Sex God!) voice, he said 'I want to snog you within an inch of your cara." and he rang off.

Ohhhh I've got jelloid knees, and jelloid legs, and jelloid EVERYTHING.

I rang Rosie.

'Bonsoir mine petit fool!"

"Bonsoir, guess what guess what?"  
"Your knickers are made out of strawberries"  
"Er ,no."  
"Mine are" and I heard Sven say "Ja mmmmmm baby !"

Oh gross, NORDIC porn.

I said "That is disgusting."

"No,it's BWA."

"How is eating strawberry knickers BWA?"  
"I've still got them on."

OH dear God near I have that mental image stuck in my head.

To try to get my mind off it (LEAVE it...oh dear God is all think you of sex?) I said "Masimo rang me ! He'll be back the day after tomorrow and what's more he says he can't wait to snog me within an inch of my life!"

Rosie said "Call me after and we can comparing Snogging Scale results." and she hung up on me.

Huh. Some mate she is.

I rang Jas but she was out on a ramble.

And Jools was with Rollo at the flicks.

How rude, to abandon me at my moment of glorynosity for a boy.

What ever happened to all for one and one for all and each for one of us, and so forth?

I'd say that but no one wants to talk to me.

Poo.

 

2 Minutes Later

Literally. Libby just came in "Ginger,Gingey,Angus did a big poo on your pillow."

 

2 Minutes Later  
Ditto my duvet.

 

3 Minutes Later

And my closet.

GOOD LORD what has Vati been feeding him, bran flakes ?!

 

30 Minutes Later

After much growling and spitting and pooing, I got Angus to his lead and tied him in Vati's DIY shed.

Let him poo in there. Vati never goes in there anyways,after the blue bottle fly incident.

 

2pm  
Doing massive amounts of orangutang gene checking for my Lurrrrve God (yes yes and thrice yes!) when I heard Vati at the front door 'I'm going fishing." and Mum call back "Bye love catch a big one."

He IS a big one...

 

3 Minutes Later

Oh no, Angus is with Vati's fishing rods !

Dashed down stairs but it was too late.

By the time I got round the back of the house Angus had his claws sunk into Vati's massive arse. Vati was spinning round and round but that made Angus hang on tighter.

In the end Vati sat in Mrs Next-Doors fish pond. Angus HATES getting wet so he let go and dashed off across the street, probably to find Naomi, but not before biting Vati on the bum.

Vati was yelling '"Ow ow ow bloody bum biter!"

I said "Well stop having Uncle Eddie over "

which made Mum laugh for EVER but Vati just slammed off in the Clown Car at 1 kilometer per hour.

Ah,well, he who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

 

1 Minute Later

Who said that...? I think it was Shakespeare.

 

25 Minutes Later  
Bloody fecking Hell. No, it was Dave the Laugh,during one of his rare Un-Laugh moments,and I was telling him about Robbie and using Dave as only a Red Herring fnadango.

 

19 Minutes Later

Why does it always come to those two?

 

34 Minutes Later

Oh sod I am going to bed.

 

9pm

Lying in my bed of pain (literally...Angus has decided my nunga-nungas are a great place to nap) when I heard the Clow Car whirrr up.

I notised Vati had no fish.

Mutti came out and snogged him.

I said out the window sas loud as I could "Erlack."

Mutti looked up and round "Don't watch then" and Dad said something low to her which I couldn't hear which is probably good because Mutti giggled and hit him "Down big boy."

Oh, DISGUSTING.

I am SO glad Vati leaves tomorrow.

 

 

Monday, August 9th  
Teatime

Vati left for Ethiopia today.Uncle Eddie is taking him to the airport,because apparently, and I am trying not to think about it, there is a Baldy-O-Gram convention in London.

Really.

 

2 Minutes Later

I must admit,even I had a bit of a cry.

Part of it ,though,was because Libby whacked me round the kneecap with her newest 'fwend' : Slippy the soap on a rope.

Really.

I don't dare think of anywhere horrific Vati may have used it...urghhh...

At any rate after lots of hugs and snogs on Mutti and Vati's part and hissing on Angus' (I told Vati the missing piece of trousers would be how Angus remembers his scent, but I don't think Vati was having any of it) he got into the Baldy-O-Gram's van and they left for the airport.

Mutti was a bit quiet on the way home and as soon as we got in she went to her room.

I was thinking "Oh, she must realy miss him for some mad reason" but then she came back downstairs a few minutes later all tarted up in a black leather skirt and boots and a strappy top that barely contained her nunga nungas.

I raised an eyebrow at her "Meeting someone at the corner?"

She huffed at me "No I'm going out with the girls. I'll be out late so you'll have to make your own dinner. Be good to Libbs."

Honestly.

 

7pm

Jas FINALLY rang "What have you been up to?"  
"Did you just finally notise your BEST mate existed? Or did Tom dump you for polliwogs again?"  
Jas,of course,climbed into her Huffmobile for NO apparent reason.

"Look, there's no reason to be rude and stroppy just cause we've all got boyfriends here in England and yours is away and never calls-"

I interrupted her "Actually he HAS rung me and you are dating a RUTABAGA, not a boy."

And I did hung up on her before she could.

Ha.

That will teach her !


	5. Chapter 5

Tuesday,August 10th  
7am

Woke up uber early but I don't care. It must be lurrrrrrve ! I am soooo happy I am finally Masimo's girlfriend ! I am the official girlfriend of an Italian Luuuuurve God.

AND Dad's gone for a month to top it off, hurrah !

Lalalalaaaallala !

I have sounded the call of the Horn and played wiith my Horn numerous times...

Hold on, that doesn't sound quite right.

I have sounded the call of the Horn and played the games of the Horn, burning my red bottom on the rack of love,and I have learned and snogged and luurved and lost.

But I have put my Horn aside and I have answered the call of Lurrrrve and and now am the official girlfriend of an Italian Lurrve God !

Speaking of my BOYFRIEND, only a little over a fortnight til he comes back ! Must carefully plan my outfit for our first offical outing as girlfriend and boyfriend !

 

25 Minutes Later

Going through my closet when my mad little sister came humming in.

I noticed she didn't have any PANTS on.

Oh,dear.

"Ginger play parade now!"

"Listen, Libbs, GeeGee is busy right now,so why don't you-"

She put her face really really close to mine "Gingey...play...NOW."

 

1 Hour Later

Only just barely escaped with my life.

Some sadist has given Libbs a bugle. What madman would do that?

 

3 Minutes Later,My Closet (still)

My door slammed open.

"Hellooooooooo how're you're diddling?"

That answers that question.

"Hello Granddad."

"Hi kiddo."

"Granddad can you-"

"What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?"

"Granddad, please-"

" If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!" and he went wheezing out.

Oh dear God.

Phone rang so I grabbed it.

I tried to calm my breath. It HAS to be my ITALIAN boyfriend !

"Hello?"

"Georgia? What's wrong with your voice? Having you been messing with yourself again?"

I took the phone away from my ear and called up the stairs "Muuuuuum some madman claiming to be mein Vati is on the phone!"

 

2 Minutes Later,My Room

Now, what to wear? My BOYFRIEND who, did I mention, is an ITALIAN STALLION, be back on the 27th, so it'll be blistering hot out...Hmmmm...

 

1 Hour Later

Went through my whole closet and I don't like ANYTHING I own. And I only have 4pounds 12 for spendulies...

This is literally an emergency.

 

14 Minutes Later  
Rang round and everyone was out.

Huh.

Probably out snogging their boyfriends and leaving their best mate and overall good person in my time of need.

And only...400 hours til he gets back !

 

40 Minutes Later  
Laying down with a calming face mask when Jas rang.

At first I couldn't understand what she was saying;all I heard was hiccuping for the longest time but then FINALLY she said ""Tom says...says...he says..."

I resisted a strong urge to reach through the phone and choke her.

"Yes?"  
"That we should maybe study ducks with other peopleeeeee."

Oh,dear God

"Well maybe you should show him what it's like, make him want you."

"What you mean like study then ducks and not tell him?"

"Er,no.."

"I'll do that ! I'll go in the early morning hours before he gets up."

I said "Jas that's not-" but she had gone off in her Twit of the Woods mobile. "I even have special duck-watching boots. Want to see?"  
"No."

"Oh pleasey please, come and have a look."

I said "Jas, not even when Hell freezes over will I come to look at your duck-gogs."

And she hung up on me.

Huh.

Typical.

 

Jas' Room  
This is what I have been reduced to.  
Looking at Jas' special duck-spotting boots because she is my bestie .And also she has a special bank behind her owls. She thinks I don't know but I have seen her slip money it when she thought I was sleeping.

"Those are really quite naff."

"They are not...they're...practical and cute to boot! Get it, to boot?" and she started laughing like a fat pig. Which is ironic as she is beginning to look like one, if you see what I mean.

"Do you actually wear those out? To count ducks?"

Jas turned a bit red round her ears "I don't count ducks.I study their nesting habits, to determine-"

I waved my hand "Yeah yeah to real problems,i.e. mine. What am I going do about Masimo?"

Jas was pouting at her self in the mirror. She looked like a loon on spaz pills "What *pout* do *pout* you *pout *mean *pout?"

"He'll be round in only 200 hours and I don't like ANYTHING I own."

Jas looked round "What about what's in side that counts and people shouldn't be superficial and so on?"

"What moron said that?"

"You."

 

 

2 Hours Later,My Room

So the gist of it is,is that i still have no money and I am never speaking to Jas again help-wise as the Hamburgese would say.

Ohhhhh I am sooo stressed out.

Am going to put on loud music and dance round in my Pants.

First, snacksies.

 

 

20 Minutes Later

Mmmm jammy dodgers.

 

1 Hour Later

Dancing round to "Lady is a Tramp" when Mum burst in.I don't think she saw the ironicosity of it though.

She just yelled at me to turn the music down and come downstairs.

Oh,now what fresh Hell?

 

40 Minutes Later,Downstairs

Turns out Dad called about a zillion times and got the engaged tone, so he's on his way home in a panic,so now Mum has to bring him money to pay for the flight BACK .

While she was telling me this I said "And you need me why?"

Which only made he more shout-y.

Apparently someone didn't set the phone back on it's hook so it was off all since I was the only one home, naturally it's all MY fault,and I am being forced to pay the phone bill, grounded to my room,be publicly flogged, etc.

Typical.

This is soooooooo unfair.

 

Sunday,August 15th  
12pm, My Room  
It's sooooo dull being grounded.  
At least it's only 2 weeks ...

 

20 Seconds Later  
Christ on a bike;Masimo, my Luuuurve God BOYFRIEND, will be back in 1 weeks, 3 days, 0 hours and 7 minutes.

How am I going to explain being grounded when I can barely speak to him without falling over or mentioning PANTS ?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

 

45 Minutes Later  
Doing an Italian Manicure to calm down my nervosity and to prepare myself for my BOYFRIEND who,did I happen to mention,is an Italian Lurrve God?

At any rate,I found a whole article on world manicures in Mum's Cosmo. Mum won't mind me borrowing because she's not home.

My mean mother has selfishly gone out all tarted up and left me all aloney on my owny with Libbs. She didn't even ask me.

She just popped her head in and said "Popping off to town for a bit. Be back late so you'll have to make your own tea. Be good to Libbs." and that was it.

Huh.

 

3pm

Waiting for my nails to dry. Might as well check on Libbs.

She's been awfully quiet...

Was halfway down the stairs when Angus and Gordy decided now was the best time to play "Chase each others tails and trip the human."

Thankfully my nose stopped the fall. Maybe it flattened it out a bit?

 

 

3 Minutes Later

Was examining my nose when the phone rang.

"Hello, this is Bedlam."

"Cia, is Miss Georgia there to speak?"  
Ohmygiddygod's PANTS

 

 

4:01pm

Masimo will be back in 5 days ! OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod !

Better start my beautosity routine now, because no man waits for an island and,well, last I saw Angus had eaten all of Mum's lippy and Libby was starting him on her blush.

 

5:30pm

Relaxing with a nice oatmeal mask when Mum came home.

I knew she was home when I heard her yelling and Angus streaked into my room, a blur of pink and red.

Mum was crashing things around and still yelling.I think at one point Libby was too.

I poked my head out my door "Some people are trying to SLEEP."

"Get THAT THING out of my sight or I swear I'll skin the furry bastard."

I looked at Angus but he just lolled on his back,purring like a tank.

I shook my finger at him "You're in big trubbs; what do you have to say for yourself?"

That's when Angus burped up a lipstick.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6 : OH DEAR I HAVE TURNED INTO LIBBY IN WIGGLES PANTS

Friday,August 20th  
8:30am

Up at the bumholio of dawn because Angus decided my bum was the perfect place to dig in his claws.

Fab (not).

Now I have a flat nose and a bleeding bum.

And Masimo lands in...OH MY GIDDY GOD'S PANTS, 4 1/2 hours !

 

3 Minutes Later

I can't get an infection from this can I?

 

10 Minutes Later

Was putting plasters on my bum when Mum burst in.

She looked at me and started laughing.

Oh, cheers Mum, GREAT PARENTING SKILLS.

Eventually she shut up long enough to say "We don't have enough plasters to do up your whole arse." before she slammed out again laughing.

I had half a mind to slam the door on her but then I remembered my ITALIAN STALLIAN Lurrrrve God will be home in a matter of hours, and I want to be able to go out and show him my great maturoisty and glamorosity when he lands. Instead of being grounded like a...a...erm,turnip.

At any rate, must think calmosity and maturosity...Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Masimo lands today and stressed girl is a well,not a girl with a FABBY Italian Stallian Luuuuuurve God I can tell you that for free !

 

My Room

I swear it's impossible to get ANYTHING done round here before some loon bursts in waggling their bits and pieces about.

And that's just Mum.

This time I was doing my yoga for deep calming relaxtionosity when Mum came mumming in.

"Some boy called but I didn't know if you were in."

What does she mean if I was in? I'm bloody grounded.

But then what she said sort of hit my brain box.

OH MY GOD.

Masimo called?

And even more importantly...

MUM TALKED TO MASIMO?!

Oh my god deep breaths...deep breaths...think calm...Oooohmmmm...

"What did he say?"

"He said he's back in town and to ring him when you get the chance. He sounds quite sexy; I'll bet he SNOGS like a maniac."

I said "Mum ERLACK that is literally child porn."

Mutti laughed "I'm taking Libbs to the park. There's jammy dodgers and pop-tarts if you get peckish." and she went out.

As soon as she'd gone I scrambled to my closet.

I had to find the PERFECT outfit to call him in,WITHOUT looking and sounding like a complete loon.

 

2 Minutes Later

I'm doomed,then.

Shut up,Brain.

 

45 Minutes Later

Settled on my shortest denim skirt, black kitten heels and my gold crossover top.

I couldn't find my sexy (as in Ohh lala not as in Oh I am such a tart) lacy knickers so had to settle on my Wiggles ones;Thank Our Lord Sandra Masimo won't see them.

 

25 Seconds Later

Not that I would mind if he did...I'd like to see all of Masimo...I bet he wears those teeny-tiny PANTS the Italianese wear.

What are they called, banana hammocks?

PHWOAR.

Erm,what was I saying?

Oh,yes,Mum called up the stairs "I'm taking Libby to the park." and the door slammed.

I watched out the window and as soon as the clown car whirred down the street and round the corner at 2 kph, I ran to the phone.

 

45 Seconds Later

Ok, big breaths (yeth,I have certainly got big breaths).

Shut up brain.

Ring,ring.

"Ciao?"

OH MY GIDDY GOD.

His voice is sooooooo sexy.

"Ciao?" he said again .

Cor, hello Jelloid City.

I realized I had to say something "Masimo? ItsmeeGinger ahaha."

Oh dear,I have turned into Libby in Wiggles PANTS.

 

1 Hour Later

It was soooooooooooooooo great talking to Masimo, my BOYFRIEND who,did I happen to mention, was a Lurrrve God ?

He says he misses "my fun" and can't wait to snog me within an inch of my life.

Phwoar.

I'm meeting him at the Sugar Club tonight.

Before we rung off he said in a lower voice "Wear your locket, so I know you miss mees like I miss you, and we dance and snog."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm melting !

And ...OH DAMNATION WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?!


End file.
